Reality

This is going to be a grim post, but I think it's necessary to face reality. This entry is about death and probably isn't for the faint of heart. But like I said in my first post, this blog is going to be uncensored. If you prefer something lighter, head here to read about Bella.

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Reality is that The Hubby may not make it back home to me safely. Although Iraq is supposedly "safe" in comparison to Afghanistan, the bad guys are still out there. There are IED's on the roads, made specifically to kill or injure soldiers. Iraqi soldiers turned on Americans and killed two during a training exercise back in January. It doesn't matter how well trained you are. Shit happens in war and it's all random.

My mother has been calling me much more often than since I first left home last March. I know that it is a nice gesture for her to check up on me, but I dread picking up the phone. This is because, without a doubt, she asks me, "So, is it safe where TH is?"

And, really, how am I supposed to answer this question? I tell her that it is safe, but then I fear that I am jinxing myself. So I now tell her that it is "safer" because that at least is true.

One of TH's classmates from West Point was killed in Afghanistan a few weeks ago. "I think he's the first," TH wrote on a Facebook chat a little later.

"I know, honey. I'm so sorry." What else are you supposed to say to your husband?

The way he phrased it is devastating to me. "The first." Meaning that there will be more. We know more people overseas in Iraq or Afghanistan than we can count. Is one of them next? Suddenly, the possibility of death has become real.


The weekend before he left while we were driving to Austin, I asked him up front what he would want his funeral plans to be. When his stepfather passed away in September '09, I realized that I have no idea what TH wanted for himself. "I need to know these things," I tell him and hope that he won't be offended.

We spoke of his life insurance and how everything will go to me. "It's a lot of money," he said. But, really, would I care? Money won't replace the love of my life.

This is the conversation that a soldier and his wife has to have before deployment, even if they are still in their early 20's. Not on their death bed. Not because they have kids and need to think about their security. But because he is deploying and nothing is one hundred percent certain.

I asked TH the other day if he has encountered anything scary since he's been in Iraq.

"Not really. I wouldn't worry too much."

I can't help but wonder if even if he had experienced some life threatening situations he would tell me about them. And I can't decide if I even want to know about them. But, for now, I'll take his word for it and try not to "worry too much."