A Package

I've forgotten TH's laugh. I just realized this now. I haven't heard him laugh in such a long time. Laughter always echoed in our sweet little home. And, now, where has it gone?

I chuckle when Bella does something quirky, which is almost every hour, but it is not the same kind of hearty laughter I would get when TH did or said something funny. He would break into song and dance often, especially during a good meal. Sometimes, he would run around naked just for the hell of it--something I'm sure he learned from his West Point years.

I haven't seen his face in so long. Pictures don't do justice to his handsome face. They don't show his little grey hairs or his forehead creases that are making their first appearances at the ripe age of 23.

And this is why I feel myself fighting away tears at the moment. TH had sent a video of him reading a book through the USO's United Through Reading Program. Soldiers are videotaped reading a story to their child so that kids can still listen to the sound of daddy's or mommy's voice.

Children's book and DVD

The envelope carrying the book and DVD was addressed to Bella, which is appropriate since she is our child. I was so excited to have something that TH had held in his hands. I recognized his handwriting from all the letters he has written me over the years, and I stroked my fingers across the pen markings. I wanted to cry from happiness.

I needed this. It's a great thing to hear his voice telling me that he is okay, but it's an entirely different thing to see that he is okay. I popped in the DVD and waited for it to play. It never played. I tried wiping it down and loading it again. Nothing.

The DVD must have been damaged on its way from Kuwait. It had a long journey to Texas. And all I could think when I saw the notice "This disc cannot be played" was "Well, of course not. Just my luck." Shitty things always seem to happen to us.

So now when I see the book Mabel One and Only sitting on the coffee table in front of me, I want to break down in tears. I wish it had never come because now I know exactly what I am missing. How about that change of heart?

But at least we have our first book to fill our future child's library. We can tell him/her that Daddy sent it over from Kuwait. Not many people can say that, can they?