Deployment Day(s)

These past two days have been an emotional roller coaster. I know that sounds cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it.

I was distraught Tuesday evening, but tried not to show it. I've seen him pack for the field before, but never for deployment. It's a strange feeling when you have to prepare yourself to say goodbye for a year. I couldn't fully enjoy myself. How can you possibly act normal for something like this?

TH was scheduled to be on post by 1200 on Wednesday. He had formation at 1230 and family members were allowed to stay until they were scheduled to board the buses at 1600. I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to stay there until the very end. I know there are some people who would prefer the "quick-like-a-band-aid" option, but I wanted to soak in every last second with my husband.

I couldn't possibly go home, knowing that he was just fifteen minutes away from me. I needed a few more stolen kisses.

I sat at his desk in his tiny office while he went around doing who knows what. Couldn't he just sit there with me and hold my hand?

The Hubby's desk

Another soldier asked how I was doing through all this. I'm sure when people ask me this question they have the best intentions. But somehow it triggers something in me that wants me to shout out, "How the fuck do you think I'm doing, asshole?!" I'm awful, but I'm not going to tell you that.

Eventually, we went to eat lunch at some place on post and it was delicious. We've passed by this restaurant dozens of times before. Why did we choose this day to discover it? Now we have to wait a year before we could eat there again together.

When we returned to his office we found out that their flight had been delayed fourteen hours due to the historic snow storm on the east coast. They're dismissed to return home.

"Enjoy your families for another night. Don't drink. Don't do anything stupid. See you in the morning."

I should have been happy, right? But I was completely confused. TH was prepared to leave. I was prepared for him to leave. We were ready. And now we have to do all this again? It was a huge mindfuck.

I felt guilty for not being more ecstatic about it. And I felt angry at the Army because the snow storm was predicted weeks in advance. Why didn't they plan accordingly instead of creating all these problems for soldiers and their families? Some men were left without homes to go to or even cars to drive around to grab some dinner on their last night in the States. Soldiers slept on cots in the office that night. They did not deserve that.

But the extra night together turned out to be the best thing for us. I had already gone through my depression phase and so I was able to actually enjoy time with TH. We woke up at 0330 and arrived on post at 0415. The men signed out for their weapons and this was it. Really, this time.

Duct tape on his rifle

I saw that some parts of their weapons were held together by duct tape. "Oh, well that's nice to know," I said. I received a few chuckles from that.

Around 0700 the men stood out in the brisk 20 degree morning air for their last formation.

TH said to me, "I have to go to formation, baby. I'll say goodbye to you after."

Formation only lasted for a few minutes and all of a sudden they started filing into the buses. I panicked. "Wait! I didn't say goodbye to my husband yet!"

I chased after the men in the ACU's. I couldn't find TH right away in the sea of tan and green, but then I finally spotted him. We kissed twice, embraced, and said goodbye. But did I say, "I love you?" I couldn't remember.

I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn't. TH had asked me not to because he didn't want to cry in front of his men. But I saw his eyes. They were watering.

And then they were off. TH was one of the last ones on the bus. I waited for him to turn around and wave, but he never did. I stood back with the other wives and girlfriends who braved the cold and watched the buses drive off slowly.

Boarding the bus

The freezing temperatures made my fingers feel pain that I had never experienced before. I ran to the car, turned on the heater, and drove home. But of course I got lost on the way back because they closed one of the main roads like they always did for PT in the morning.

Life went on as usual for everyone else. Didn't they know what had just happened?