I cried for the first time today. Full blown tears. After more than five years of a long distance relationship, I have almost perfected the technique of controlled crying. I don't allow myself to cry for more than five minutes, if even that.
I took a lot of pride in my not crying during this deployment process. I think I held the tears in for so long that by the time I was allowed to do so, I no longer felt a need for it. But today was not a good day for me.
After waking up last Thursday afternoon from a nap, I started to apply for a few jobs. In just a few hours, I received a call for an interview as a bank teller on post. Due to the snow, my interview was rescheduled from Friday to today. I rocked my interviews, and I knew I would be hired simply by the way I was talked to by the managers.
I went home and was smiling over the thought of acquiring a job in such a short amount of time until I really thought about the position.
As a part-time bank teller, I would work five to six days out of the week and be guaranteed 20 hours a week. I would only be allowed five days off in a year, meaning that I would never be able to go home for even a weekend. Taking extra time off for when TH returns for his R&R was out of the question. The pay was also only eight dollars an hour.
The idea of this job made me bawl. My feelings consumed me. Bella literally jumped on the couch and started to lick my tears away, but that barely made a difference. I was miserable and so confused.
TH was so excited for this job, and I did not want to disappoint him. But I could not talk about it with him either. Do you know how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to communicate with your husband when you need him?
I eventually made the decision to turn down the job. I need to do what makes me happy. I have to start thinking about my own health and happiness.
I'm twenty-two years old. It's about time I learned that.
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