Source: heyawesome.tumblr.com via Min on Pinterest
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
So Lovely to See You
I love technology. Even though his internet connection is awful, it is still wonderful to be able to see my husband's face. The video feed lags and sometimes it's frustrating, yet I wait all day for his handsome smile. And of course Bella joins in on the fun...even if all she does is rest her head on my lap.
Friday, February 25, 2011
A Reminder
Source: redsilas.com via Min on Pinterest
Every now and then I have to remind myself to stop worrying. I have to trust in my husband's spectacular instincts and his years of training. Plus, he's pretty much a bad ass so there's that, too. Hooah.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Pieces from Home
There are so many men and women overseas who are away from their family and friends, and they need to be reminded that they have not been forgotten. Before The Hubby was even deployed, I had it in my mind that I would do my part back home and give some encouragement to our brave protectors in Iraq or Afghanistan.
I had the opportunity to work with several groups of children and I asked them to do me a favor. They were asked to write a letter to a soldier or marine and I mailed them to strangers whose addresses I found through a wonderful organization called AnySoldier.
This is how the site works: "This effort is 110% voluntary.You send your support, and maybe some stuff, directly to whatever unit or units YOU select. We have volunteer Soldier "contacts" on the "Where to Send" page. They list what the folks they represent want and need...All the Soldiers involved in this effort are military volunteers stationed in areas that are in harm's way. You send your support (letters and/or packages) addressed to them and when they see the "Attn: Any Soldier®" line in their address they put your letters and packages into the hands of Soldiers who don't get much or any mail first. Everything is shared."
So even if you do not have willing children to help you send encouragement to troops, just a simple card or letter will make a difference. And if you are feeling extra generous, you can ship packages overseas.
You can order a free military care package from the USPS by following the instructions found here. I ordered one on February 9th and I received it yesterday. In the kit were four medium flat rate boxes, two large flat rate boxes, five priority mail labels, six customs forms and envelopes, and a small roll of tape. It takes less than two minutes and you can request this kit up to four times.
You can also order more boxes and customs forms online through the USPS site. The large flat rate box gives you the best deal because you get a $2 discount when you ship to an APO or FPO address. Of course, these materials can also be found at your local post office.
This site had the easiest directions on how to fill out the customs forms using unusual military addresses while this one has detailed tips on shipping to Iraq or Afghanistan.
I hope this post convinces you to spread some encouragement to the troops. Please let me know if you are interested in getting my husband's address because I'm sure he needs a little love, too.
I had the opportunity to work with several groups of children and I asked them to do me a favor. They were asked to write a letter to a soldier or marine and I mailed them to strangers whose addresses I found through a wonderful organization called AnySoldier.
This is how the site works: "This effort is 110% voluntary.You send your support, and maybe some stuff, directly to whatever unit or units YOU select. We have volunteer Soldier "contacts" on the "Where to Send" page. They list what the folks they represent want and need...All the Soldiers involved in this effort are military volunteers stationed in areas that are in harm's way. You send your support (letters and/or packages) addressed to them and when they see the "Attn: Any Soldier®" line in their address they put your letters and packages into the hands of Soldiers who don't get much or any mail first. Everything is shared."
I received feedback from the actual people I've sent letters to, and they have all been absolutely positive. Their words reassure what I already know about soldiers: They are selfless, brave and remarkable.
One wrote:
Another wrote:
So even if you do not have willing children to help you send encouragement to troops, just a simple card or letter will make a difference. And if you are feeling extra generous, you can ship packages overseas.
You can order a free military care package from the USPS by following the instructions found here. I ordered one on February 9th and I received it yesterday. In the kit were four medium flat rate boxes, two large flat rate boxes, five priority mail labels, six customs forms and envelopes, and a small roll of tape. It takes less than two minutes and you can request this kit up to four times.
You can also order more boxes and customs forms online through the USPS site. The large flat rate box gives you the best deal because you get a $2 discount when you ship to an APO or FPO address. Of course, these materials can also be found at your local post office.
This site had the easiest directions on how to fill out the customs forms using unusual military addresses while this one has detailed tips on shipping to Iraq or Afghanistan.
I hope this post convinces you to spread some encouragement to the troops. Please let me know if you are interested in getting my husband's address because I'm sure he needs a little love, too.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Signs The Hubby is Away
I've never been on my own before. I commuted to college instead of dorming so before this month I did not know what it was like to be in a house by myself.
You mean I can decide on my own what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner? I can go to bed when I feel tired, and not because the other person has yet another early morning? I no longer have to make a plea to watch "The Bachelor" on Monday evenings? Madness!
But I had been living with TH for ten months so getting into a completely brand new routine has been difficult. There are so many things that remind me that he is in fact deployed, and not just at work. I notice certain things around the house that are different from normal and they always jerk my heart a little bit:
-Only one toothbrush by the sink
-My shampoo-to-conditioner ratio is much steadier. I always seemed to run out of shampoo 2x faster
-Seeing a car in the garage
-No clothes on the bedroom floor
-A dog on the couch and bed instead of a person
-No random raisins dropped on the kitchen floor
-Fewer dishes in the sink
-I no longer trip over his boots
-I wake up at 0930 every morning naturally instead of 0515
-I can sleep the entire night without worrying about getting hit in the face or fighting over the blankets
-No need to shave my legs
-No need to shower. Ha!
-No late night baking adventures
-Less embarrassment when I develop a large zit
-Farting whenever I need to instead of walking into another room
-Cheaper grocery bills
-Less laughter and chatter
I guess you can say that there are benefits to living on my own, but that's only if you're trying to trick yourself into staying positive. The truth is, I would much rather deal with tripping over his combat boots in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom than be on my own.
Anytime I see something I know TH likes or needs on sale, I reach for it, but have to stop myself. And I've realized that I am at my loneliest when I actually leave the house. This is because I used to spend so much time sitting at the house waiting for him to come home, but I rarely left the house without my husband.
What worries me about all this is that I will develop my own routine pretty soon. I don't want to have a routine separate from The Hubby. How will we adjust to being together again when he returns? A year is a long time to be away from anyone's life.
Almost three weeks down. Only 49 more to go.
You mean I can decide on my own what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner? I can go to bed when I feel tired, and not because the other person has yet another early morning? I no longer have to make a plea to watch "The Bachelor" on Monday evenings? Madness!
But I had been living with TH for ten months so getting into a completely brand new routine has been difficult. There are so many things that remind me that he is in fact deployed, and not just at work. I notice certain things around the house that are different from normal and they always jerk my heart a little bit:
-Only one toothbrush by the sink
-My shampoo-to-conditioner ratio is much steadier. I always seemed to run out of shampoo 2x faster
-Seeing a car in the garage
-No clothes on the bedroom floor
-A dog on the couch and bed instead of a person
-No random raisins dropped on the kitchen floor
-Fewer dishes in the sink
-I no longer trip over his boots
-I wake up at 0930 every morning naturally instead of 0515
-I can sleep the entire night without worrying about getting hit in the face or fighting over the blankets
-No need to shave my legs
-No need to shower. Ha!
-No late night baking adventures
-Less embarrassment when I develop a large zit
-Farting whenever I need to instead of walking into another room
-Cheaper grocery bills
-Less laughter and chatter
I guess you can say that there are benefits to living on my own, but that's only if you're trying to trick yourself into staying positive. The truth is, I would much rather deal with tripping over his combat boots in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom than be on my own.
Anytime I see something I know TH likes or needs on sale, I reach for it, but have to stop myself. And I've realized that I am at my loneliest when I actually leave the house. This is because I used to spend so much time sitting at the house waiting for him to come home, but I rarely left the house without my husband.
What worries me about all this is that I will develop my own routine pretty soon. I don't want to have a routine separate from The Hubby. How will we adjust to being together again when he returns? A year is a long time to be away from anyone's life.
Almost three weeks down. Only 49 more to go.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
A Package
I've forgotten TH's laugh. I just realized this now. I haven't heard him laugh in such a long time. Laughter always echoed in our sweet little home. And, now, where has it gone?
I chuckle when Bella does something quirky, which is almost every hour, but it is not the same kind of hearty laughter I would get when TH did or said something funny. He would break into song and dance often, especially during a good meal. Sometimes, he would run around naked just for the hell of it--something I'm sure he learned from his West Point years.
I haven't seen his face in so long. Pictures don't do justice to his handsome face. They don't show his little grey hairs or his forehead creases that are making their first appearances at the ripe age of 23.
And this is why I feel myself fighting away tears at the moment. TH had sent a video of him reading a book through the USO's United Through Reading Program. Soldiers are videotaped reading a story to their child so that kids can still listen to the sound of daddy's or mommy's voice.
The envelope carrying the book and DVD was addressed to Bella, which is appropriate since she is our child. I was so excited to have something that TH had held in his hands. I recognized his handwriting from all the letters he has written me over the years, and I stroked my fingers across the pen markings. I wanted to cry from happiness.
I needed this. It's a great thing to hear his voice telling me that he is okay, but it's an entirely different thing to see that he is okay. I popped in the DVD and waited for it to play. It never played. I tried wiping it down and loading it again. Nothing.
The DVD must have been damaged on its way from Kuwait. It had a long journey to Texas. And all I could think when I saw the notice "This disc cannot be played" was "Well, of course not. Just my luck." Shitty things always seem to happen to us.
So now when I see the book Mabel One and Only sitting on the coffee table in front of me, I want to break down in tears. I wish it had never come because now I know exactly what I am missing. How about that change of heart?
But at least we have our first book to fill our future child's library. We can tell him/her that Daddy sent it over from Kuwait. Not many people can say that, can they?
I chuckle when Bella does something quirky, which is almost every hour, but it is not the same kind of hearty laughter I would get when TH did or said something funny. He would break into song and dance often, especially during a good meal. Sometimes, he would run around naked just for the hell of it--something I'm sure he learned from his West Point years.
I haven't seen his face in so long. Pictures don't do justice to his handsome face. They don't show his little grey hairs or his forehead creases that are making their first appearances at the ripe age of 23.
And this is why I feel myself fighting away tears at the moment. TH had sent a video of him reading a book through the USO's United Through Reading Program. Soldiers are videotaped reading a story to their child so that kids can still listen to the sound of daddy's or mommy's voice.
 |
| Children's book and DVD |
The envelope carrying the book and DVD was addressed to Bella, which is appropriate since she is our child. I was so excited to have something that TH had held in his hands. I recognized his handwriting from all the letters he has written me over the years, and I stroked my fingers across the pen markings. I wanted to cry from happiness.
I needed this. It's a great thing to hear his voice telling me that he is okay, but it's an entirely different thing to see that he is okay. I popped in the DVD and waited for it to play. It never played. I tried wiping it down and loading it again. Nothing.
The DVD must have been damaged on its way from Kuwait. It had a long journey to Texas. And all I could think when I saw the notice "This disc cannot be played" was "Well, of course not. Just my luck." Shitty things always seem to happen to us.
So now when I see the book Mabel One and Only sitting on the coffee table in front of me, I want to break down in tears. I wish it had never come because now I know exactly what I am missing. How about that change of heart?
But at least we have our first book to fill our future child's library. We can tell him/her that Daddy sent it over from Kuwait. Not many people can say that, can they?
Monday, February 7, 2011
Independent Decision
I cried for the first time today. Full blown tears. After more than five years of a long distance relationship, I have almost perfected the technique of controlled crying. I don't allow myself to cry for more than five minutes, if even that.
I took a lot of pride in my not crying during this deployment process. I think I held the tears in for so long that by the time I was allowed to do so, I no longer felt a need for it. But today was not a good day for me.
After waking up last Thursday afternoon from a nap, I started to apply for a few jobs. In just a few hours, I received a call for an interview as a bank teller on post. Due to the snow, my interview was rescheduled from Friday to today. I rocked my interviews, and I knew I would be hired simply by the way I was talked to by the managers.
I went home and was smiling over the thought of acquiring a job in such a short amount of time until I really thought about the position.
As a part-time bank teller, I would work five to six days out of the week and be guaranteed 20 hours a week. I would only be allowed five days off in a year, meaning that I would never be able to go home for even a weekend. Taking extra time off for when TH returns for his R&R was out of the question. The pay was also only eight dollars an hour.
The idea of this job made me bawl. My feelings consumed me. Bella literally jumped on the couch and started to lick my tears away, but that barely made a difference. I was miserable and so confused.
TH was so excited for this job, and I did not want to disappoint him. But I could not talk about it with him either. Do you know how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to communicate with your husband when you need him?
I eventually made the decision to turn down the job. I need to do what makes me happy. I have to start thinking about my own health and happiness.
I'm twenty-two years old. It's about time I learned that.
I took a lot of pride in my not crying during this deployment process. I think I held the tears in for so long that by the time I was allowed to do so, I no longer felt a need for it. But today was not a good day for me.
After waking up last Thursday afternoon from a nap, I started to apply for a few jobs. In just a few hours, I received a call for an interview as a bank teller on post. Due to the snow, my interview was rescheduled from Friday to today. I rocked my interviews, and I knew I would be hired simply by the way I was talked to by the managers.
I went home and was smiling over the thought of acquiring a job in such a short amount of time until I really thought about the position.
As a part-time bank teller, I would work five to six days out of the week and be guaranteed 20 hours a week. I would only be allowed five days off in a year, meaning that I would never be able to go home for even a weekend. Taking extra time off for when TH returns for his R&R was out of the question. The pay was also only eight dollars an hour.
The idea of this job made me bawl. My feelings consumed me. Bella literally jumped on the couch and started to lick my tears away, but that barely made a difference. I was miserable and so confused.
TH was so excited for this job, and I did not want to disappoint him. But I could not talk about it with him either. Do you know how absolutely frustrating it is to not be able to communicate with your husband when you need him?
I eventually made the decision to turn down the job. I need to do what makes me happy. I have to start thinking about my own health and happiness.
I'm twenty-two years old. It's about time I learned that.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Deployment Day(s)
These past two days have been an emotional roller coaster. I know that sounds cliche, but it's the only way I can describe it.
I was distraught Tuesday evening, but tried not to show it. I've seen him pack for the field before, but never for deployment. It's a strange feeling when you have to prepare yourself to say goodbye for a year. I couldn't fully enjoy myself. How can you possibly act normal for something like this?
TH was scheduled to be on post by 1200 on Wednesday. He had formation at 1230 and family members were allowed to stay until they were scheduled to board the buses at 1600. I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to stay there until the very end. I know there are some people who would prefer the "quick-like-a-band-aid" option, but I wanted to soak in every last second with my husband.
I couldn't possibly go home, knowing that he was just fifteen minutes away from me. I needed a few more stolen kisses.
I sat at his desk in his tiny office while he went around doing who knows what. Couldn't he just sit there with me and hold my hand?
Another soldier asked how I was doing through all this. I'm sure when people ask me this question they have the best intentions. But somehow it triggers something in me that wants me to shout out, "How the fuck do you think I'm doing, asshole?!" I'm awful, but I'm not going to tell you that.
Eventually, we went to eat lunch at some place on post and it was delicious. We've passed by this restaurant dozens of times before. Why did we choose this day to discover it? Now we have to wait a year before we could eat there again together.
When we returned to his office we found out that their flight had been delayed fourteen hours due to the historic snow storm on the east coast. They're dismissed to return home.
"Enjoy your families for another night. Don't drink. Don't do anything stupid. See you in the morning."
I should have been happy, right? But I was completely confused. TH was prepared to leave. I was prepared for him to leave. We were ready. And now we have to do all this again? It was a huge mindfuck.
I felt guilty for not being more ecstatic about it. And I felt angry at the Army because the snow storm was predicted weeks in advance. Why didn't they plan accordingly instead of creating all these problems for soldiers and their families? Some men were left without homes to go to or even cars to drive around to grab some dinner on their last night in the States. Soldiers slept on cots in the office that night. They did not deserve that.
But the extra night together turned out to be the best thing for us. I had already gone through my depression phase and so I was able to actually enjoy time with TH. We woke up at 0330 and arrived on post at 0415. The men signed out for their weapons and this was it. Really, this time.
I saw that some parts of their weapons were held together by duct tape. "Oh, well that's nice to know," I said. I received a few chuckles from that.
Around 0700 the men stood out in the brisk 20 degree morning air for their last formation.
TH said to me, "I have to go to formation, baby. I'll say goodbye to you after."
Formation only lasted for a few minutes and all of a sudden they started filing into the buses. I panicked. "Wait! I didn't say goodbye to my husband yet!"
I chased after the men in the ACU's. I couldn't find TH right away in the sea of tan and green, but then I finally spotted him. We kissed twice, embraced, and said goodbye. But did I say, "I love you?" I couldn't remember.
I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn't. TH had asked me not to because he didn't want to cry in front of his men. But I saw his eyes. They were watering.
And then they were off. TH was one of the last ones on the bus. I waited for him to turn around and wave, but he never did. I stood back with the other wives and girlfriends who braved the cold and watched the buses drive off slowly.
The freezing temperatures made my fingers feel pain that I had never experienced before. I ran to the car, turned on the heater, and drove home. But of course I got lost on the way back because they closed one of the main roads like they always did for PT in the morning.
Life went on as usual for everyone else. Didn't they know what had just happened?
I was distraught Tuesday evening, but tried not to show it. I've seen him pack for the field before, but never for deployment. It's a strange feeling when you have to prepare yourself to say goodbye for a year. I couldn't fully enjoy myself. How can you possibly act normal for something like this?
TH was scheduled to be on post by 1200 on Wednesday. He had formation at 1230 and family members were allowed to stay until they were scheduled to board the buses at 1600. I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to stay there until the very end. I know there are some people who would prefer the "quick-like-a-band-aid" option, but I wanted to soak in every last second with my husband.
I couldn't possibly go home, knowing that he was just fifteen minutes away from me. I needed a few more stolen kisses.
I sat at his desk in his tiny office while he went around doing who knows what. Couldn't he just sit there with me and hold my hand?
 |
| The Hubby's desk |
Another soldier asked how I was doing through all this. I'm sure when people ask me this question they have the best intentions. But somehow it triggers something in me that wants me to shout out, "How the fuck do you think I'm doing, asshole?!" I'm awful, but I'm not going to tell you that.
Eventually, we went to eat lunch at some place on post and it was delicious. We've passed by this restaurant dozens of times before. Why did we choose this day to discover it? Now we have to wait a year before we could eat there again together.
When we returned to his office we found out that their flight had been delayed fourteen hours due to the historic snow storm on the east coast. They're dismissed to return home.
"Enjoy your families for another night. Don't drink. Don't do anything stupid. See you in the morning."
I should have been happy, right? But I was completely confused. TH was prepared to leave. I was prepared for him to leave. We were ready. And now we have to do all this again? It was a huge mindfuck.
I felt guilty for not being more ecstatic about it. And I felt angry at the Army because the snow storm was predicted weeks in advance. Why didn't they plan accordingly instead of creating all these problems for soldiers and their families? Some men were left without homes to go to or even cars to drive around to grab some dinner on their last night in the States. Soldiers slept on cots in the office that night. They did not deserve that.
But the extra night together turned out to be the best thing for us. I had already gone through my depression phase and so I was able to actually enjoy time with TH. We woke up at 0330 and arrived on post at 0415. The men signed out for their weapons and this was it. Really, this time.
 |
| Duct tape on his rifle |
I saw that some parts of their weapons were held together by duct tape. "Oh, well that's nice to know," I said. I received a few chuckles from that.
Around 0700 the men stood out in the brisk 20 degree morning air for their last formation.
TH said to me, "I have to go to formation, baby. I'll say goodbye to you after."
Formation only lasted for a few minutes and all of a sudden they started filing into the buses. I panicked. "Wait! I didn't say goodbye to my husband yet!"
I chased after the men in the ACU's. I couldn't find TH right away in the sea of tan and green, but then I finally spotted him. We kissed twice, embraced, and said goodbye. But did I say, "I love you?" I couldn't remember.
I didn't cry. I wanted to, but I didn't. TH had asked me not to because he didn't want to cry in front of his men. But I saw his eyes. They were watering.
And then they were off. TH was one of the last ones on the bus. I waited for him to turn around and wave, but he never did. I stood back with the other wives and girlfriends who braved the cold and watched the buses drive off slowly.
 |
| Boarding the bus |
The freezing temperatures made my fingers feel pain that I had never experienced before. I ran to the car, turned on the heater, and drove home. But of course I got lost on the way back because they closed one of the main roads like they always did for PT in the morning.
Life went on as usual for everyone else. Didn't they know what had just happened?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The Days Before
24 Jan 2011:
We have been waiting for a deployment date for months. They moved it up from June to March and finally to early February. Why can't the Army get their shit together?
TH mentions briefly that they finally set a date of deployment to Iraq. He's leaving the 3rd. It bothers me that I had to ask him again whether or not he was given a date yet. "Oh, I thought I told you," he replied nonchalantly.
TH's family say their final goodbyes to him since they are leaving the next morning and he will be at work. This is finally hitting me for the first time since we found out about it last June.
25 Jan 2011:
TH's family say their goodbyes to me and remind me that I can always call them if I ever need anything. Because with our luck, the car will decide to die on me either via a bad battery or a flat tire. It feels so wonderful to be supported.
"I guess we're leaving the 2nd," my husband says to me. "Oh, fuck it. It doesn't matter."
One less day to enjoy having a husband.
28-31 Jan 2011:
We've made two trips to Austin in one weekend. I've documented it here.
I wanted him to try and eat everything and anything that he wants. Money was (almost) no issue in my mind anymore because, quite honestly, I could not stop thinking: "What if he never gets a chance to do this again?" Because we don't want to think about it, but what if something horrible happens and he doesn't return to me?
What if?...
We go shopping for some things that he needs to take with him. Apparently, the government issues him certain things, but they're all shitty so instead we have to buy everything with our own money. And I tell him to buy anything and everything he needs because if a more expensive head lamp will allow him to do his job better then so be it.
I help him pack his toiletries by taping everything shut so that nothing explodes in his bags. I also do a final load of laundry for him, which allowed me to stick random notes inside his socks, shirts and pockets.
I don't know if you can imagine what it feels like to help your husband pack for deployment. It's a strange feeling because you want to help him so that he has less to worry about, but then you also fight the feeling of wanting to hide everything in hopes of him saying, "Well, I guess that means I don't have to go!" But of course life doesn't work this way.
1 Feb 2011:
I can't believe The Hubby had to go in for work the day before his deployment. He told me that he would be home by 1000, but of course that wasn't the case. I guess he had to get a haircut and buy some last minute items. We've spent hundreds on haircuts alone. I really need to learn how to cut his hair.
I use this time while he's away to write him a letter and laminate a pocket-sized picture of us so that he can carry it with him anywhere he goes.
The last trip to the commissary together before he leaves. Depressing is the only word I can think of to describe it. "Get whatever you want. You're going to be the only one eating it," he so annoyingly reminds me. This means that I can drink orange juice completely pulp free if I wanted to. TH likes pulp so we always get the Tropicana "some pulp" option. But now I have grown to like pulp so I still get the one with "some pulp". It doesn't make sense at all.
We don't have to get on post for his formation until 1200 so we stay up talking. He lists all the things that I have to do when he's gone: check the locks and windows, turn on the alarm, clean the air and water filter, change the oil of the car in March, file taxes, brush Bella's teeth, clean her ears...
I wonder what it feels like on his side of it all. He must think that I cannot survive without him, and sometimes it feels that way.
The entire night I fight back tears because I know that TH doesn't want to see me cry. Me crying won't help a damn thing.
We have been waiting for a deployment date for months. They moved it up from June to March and finally to early February. Why can't the Army get their shit together?
TH mentions briefly that they finally set a date of deployment to Iraq. He's leaving the 3rd. It bothers me that I had to ask him again whether or not he was given a date yet. "Oh, I thought I told you," he replied nonchalantly.
TH's family say their final goodbyes to him since they are leaving the next morning and he will be at work. This is finally hitting me for the first time since we found out about it last June.
25 Jan 2011:
TH's family say their goodbyes to me and remind me that I can always call them if I ever need anything. Because with our luck, the car will decide to die on me either via a bad battery or a flat tire. It feels so wonderful to be supported.
"I guess we're leaving the 2nd," my husband says to me. "Oh, fuck it. It doesn't matter."
One less day to enjoy having a husband.
28-31 Jan 2011:
We've made two trips to Austin in one weekend. I've documented it here.
I wanted him to try and eat everything and anything that he wants. Money was (almost) no issue in my mind anymore because, quite honestly, I could not stop thinking: "What if he never gets a chance to do this again?" Because we don't want to think about it, but what if something horrible happens and he doesn't return to me?
What if?...
We go shopping for some things that he needs to take with him. Apparently, the government issues him certain things, but they're all shitty so instead we have to buy everything with our own money. And I tell him to buy anything and everything he needs because if a more expensive head lamp will allow him to do his job better then so be it.
I help him pack his toiletries by taping everything shut so that nothing explodes in his bags. I also do a final load of laundry for him, which allowed me to stick random notes inside his socks, shirts and pockets.
I don't know if you can imagine what it feels like to help your husband pack for deployment. It's a strange feeling because you want to help him so that he has less to worry about, but then you also fight the feeling of wanting to hide everything in hopes of him saying, "Well, I guess that means I don't have to go!" But of course life doesn't work this way.
1 Feb 2011:
I can't believe The Hubby had to go in for work the day before his deployment. He told me that he would be home by 1000, but of course that wasn't the case. I guess he had to get a haircut and buy some last minute items. We've spent hundreds on haircuts alone. I really need to learn how to cut his hair.
I use this time while he's away to write him a letter and laminate a pocket-sized picture of us so that he can carry it with him anywhere he goes.
The last trip to the commissary together before he leaves. Depressing is the only word I can think of to describe it. "Get whatever you want. You're going to be the only one eating it," he so annoyingly reminds me. This means that I can drink orange juice completely pulp free if I wanted to. TH likes pulp so we always get the Tropicana "some pulp" option. But now I have grown to like pulp so I still get the one with "some pulp". It doesn't make sense at all.
We don't have to get on post for his formation until 1200 so we stay up talking. He lists all the things that I have to do when he's gone: check the locks and windows, turn on the alarm, clean the air and water filter, change the oil of the car in March, file taxes, brush Bella's teeth, clean her ears...
I wonder what it feels like on his side of it all. He must think that I cannot survive without him, and sometimes it feels that way.
The entire night I fight back tears because I know that TH doesn't want to see me cry. Me crying won't help a damn thing.
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